Crunch: Candlelight Yoga

Sometimes I use Netflix instant watch to work out. Maybe “work out” isn’t exactly what I mean. Crunch: Candlelight Yoga is closer to a really good, long stretch. It’s my favorite! The aesthetic is very last season of Melrose Place, even the candles have a late 90’s Bed, Bath & Beyond feel to them, and the outfits are equally turn of the last century. Picture the yoga class that Phoebe from Friends would be in. Fun, right? It’s lead by Sara Ivanhoe, who’s actually kind of badass. She has a masters in yoga philosophy and produced her own series called “Yoga on the Edge” in which she improvises yoga programs in single takes, and lets you see her mistakes. She has the most soothing voice I have ever heard and she says things like, “you work hard the rest of your life, now is your time to relax.” Nice. Usually when I do Crunch: Candlelight Yoga I haven’t been working hard, I’ve been watching the complete second season of The Hills on Netflix, and I need something to justify my day. Crunch: Candlelight Yoga never disappoints. 

-Aggie

Season 1 of the Hills - 8 Episodes out of 10

Wow. Where to begin? Recently I’ve been indulging in a lot of morbid, doom and gloom stuff. I watched a documentary on Aileen Wournos that really troubled me (more on that at a later date). For the time being it has soured my blood lust. The Hills seemed like a good pallet cleanser, a dumb show about pretty people getting what they want. That isn’t exactly what this is. The best way I can describe it is a scenario based improvised reality show.

The actors are playing real people who share their names and have ambitions such as ‘fashion’, party promotions and famous. Everything centers around the heroine, Lauren Conrad, a hard working, good natured bumpkin who is just trying to do good and make nice. She is foiled by her roommate Heidi the emotional malcontent who must have been raised by wolves. Watching this shines some light for me on her grotesque transformation. Of course this girl would remodel her face and body. She is not happy with anything.

The other villain is her ex-boyfriend Jason an abusive, manipulative creep who uses her and is a sloppy dresser. Watching him try to kiss her when she doesn’t want it but she kind of has to because the camera is on her and it’s her job and goddammit if those cameras weren’t rolling she would just be another frumpy college student. It’s chilling.

Rounding out the SATC Babiez crew is Audrina, the bombshell, who goes on dates and Whitney, the normal one, who is just normal. Her role is to say things that are  reasonable or to simply raise her eyebrows.

The central storyline of every episode culminates in either Heidi or Jason sabotaging Lauren’s emotions and ends with her accepting it and/or thinking it’s her fault. There are many musical montages while people indulge a sullen or petulant mood, which makes it the perfect show for finding out what music tweens listened to 5 years ago.

It is pretty to watch. The city looks clean and promising while every domestic scene is so meticulously composed it becomes oppressive and claustrophobic.

There is a scene in the New Years Eve episode filmed from the front seat of a cab. Lauren is in the back having just hung up on Jason, tears streaming down her face but not mussing her eyeliner, lit only by streetlamps and otherwise covered in shadow. Dude, it looks awesome and I realized I might kind of love this show. - Irene