Watching Netflix Instant

I used to like to pretend that the guys I dated were hot Edward Scissorhands and I was a fatter, less popular Winona Rider. In my fantasy I had to save them from their tortured lives as isolated, misunderstood artists or the townspeople would revolt against them (townspeople = my parents). Unfortunately, most of these guys turned out to be Beetlejuices who made me feel like a disembodied pair of legs.

Am I talking about two different Tim Burton movies right now? Yes. But really only one- I watched Edward Scissorhands over the break and dude- I was sobbing. It’s time for you to watch this movie again. 

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Last night when we were bloated, sleepy and regretting paying for 3 months of a gym membership I’ve used twice (maybe that was just me) we snuggled up and watched The Trip.

If you’re COOL (aka dorky lamebrain) you know that this movie is a truncated version of a six episode series that was on BBC. Both are directed by Michael Winterbottom and stars Rob Brydon and one of the top 4 celebrities I’d sleep with*, Steve Coogan. You may remember this dream team from Tristram Shandy. Haven’t seen it? Well, if you’re into post-modern comedic adaptations of restoration era novels and/or Coogan holding and singing to a baby, that is the movie for you.

Anyhoo - The Trip. They edited the series down to about 2 hours. The premise is that Steve is writing an article about restaurants in the north of England and since his way younger girlfriend left him for a career in the US he has to settle for the company of Rob Brydon. They drive around the gorgeous countryside where there is much talk of the Bronte sisters, Coleridge and Kate Bush and eat amazing looking meals at a diverse group of restaurants. Don’t get it twisted, these dudes aren’t pals. Well - they sort of are but in that condescending, jealous, competitive way in which extraordinary people sometimes deal with each other.

It’s enjoyable and funny - good holiday weekend viewing.

*Michael Fassbender, Eric Bana, Michelle Rodriguez

I have a love/hate relationship with Catherine Briellat. She’s got my number in a lot of ways (women/girls navigating through a man’s world, precocious sexuality, violence) and no matter how many times I turned off my DVD player in disgust, she’s a filmmaker that I’m always curious about.

Bluebeard is one of my favorite fairy tales. It’s about a lord who keeps marrying women and then murdering them because they are too curious. A cogent lesson. According to things I read during my Charles Perrault phase, one of the inspirations for Bluebeard was Gilles de Rais. What, you don’t have a ‘killers of yore’ catalogue in your brain? Stop twisting my arm! I’d love to tell you about him. Gilles served faithfully as Joan of Arc’s right hand man but when she was murdered by France (Yeah I said it) he lost his faith and became a satanist eventually raping and killing anywhere between 80-600 kids of both genders. You’re welcome.

Earlier versions of fairy tales are all fucked up (see: Sleeping Beauty) but Bluebeard is one that has stayed pretty horrific and there’s no one better to film it than Catherine Briellat. It’s two stories, sisters in contemporary-ish day reading the fairytale cut with sisters in late medieval thymes living the story. She deals in broad strokes and the hyperbolic and I thought it all worked - she was made for fairy tales. There was no moment of me yelling “fuck you Briellat!” at the tv to find my remote and jesus christ just turn it off.

She’s fantastic at casting and filming children and the gals in Bluebeard turn out amazing performances. Bottom line: I liked it a lot. In fact, I’m getting that ugly sneaking feeling that I’m going to have to rewatch the movies of hers that I hated. I’m looking at you, Fat Girl.

Heidi Fleiss: Hollywood Madam is the greatest film ever made. It’s about Heidi Fleiss, a feisty and slutty business woman who became a madam to the stars, and then got sold out by her evil boyfriend for stepping on his turf. It features this wild old woman named Madam Alex who lives in a bed. Alex’s archenemy is Heidi’s sociopath boyfriend Ivan Nagy. Ivan spends the entire movie pretending he knows what it feels like to love someone, but he sucks at it. The scariest person in the movie is a guy named Cookie. He is so tough that you never even see him and no one wants to talk about him, but it’s implied that he is a procurer of women and also the manager of a beeper store. 

Being a prostitute is easy and fun. When asked what they had to do, most of Heidi’s former girls recall sitting on the couch while the guy did drugs and ignored them. This sounds a lot like my current relationship, but for some reason these women get $3000 at the end of the night and all I usually get is a piece of pizza. 

Heidi Fleiss was a regular woman who seems like she would have been a fun friend before she lost her mind. Why can’t prostitution just be legal? Then Heidi Fleiss would just be a normal, rich asshole who thinks they’re better than everybody instead of an insane woman who lives in the desert surrounded by birds. Also, one year one of her boyfriends gave her a million dollars for Christmas. She is so lucky that happened to her. 

I will die watching this show.

This is the only show that’s ever made me want to have a baby. Having a baby looks easy and fun. You just eat pizza, yell at your mom and try to get your GED. 

I want to name my favorite mom but I love them all equally. Maci is the most  together and she named her son Bently. Amber’s boyfriend is morbidly obese and she hates him. Farrah is a psychopathic monster. Catelynn had her baby with her step-brother, and she’s actually probably the most together one. 

Since discovering this show was streaming I’ve been staying up until 4 am to watch it. All the teen moms are more together than me.